15 Ways to Reconnect With Your Partner and Rekindle the Spark in Your Relationship

After years in a long-term relationship, the spark that drew you to your partner might not burn as brightly as it did when you met; though you're still in love and committed to each other, the daily routine of work, housekeeping, and to-do lists can sap the energy you have left over for investing in your relationship. Here's the good news: Turning that fading ember back into a flourishing flame isn’t impossible. To reconnect with your partner, prioritize your emotional and physical connection with scheduled date nights, screen-free check-ins, understated physical touch, shared goals, and endorphin-boosting activities to bring the heat back to your relationship. 

Not sure where to start? We tapped relationship experts and asked them to provide tried-and-true ways to reconnect with your partner. Ahead, their 15 tips.

Go Screen-Free for a Few Minutes…

You can’t rekindle a spark with your partner when you’re both staring at different devices. Look away from your social media feed or your news app and turn toward your partner, instead. “Our devices in front of our faces prohibit  connection—I go to the mantra, ‘Neurons that fire together, wire together,’” says Hope Kelaher, LCSW. “Put down your devices and talk to one another; look each other in the eyes for at least 15 minutes a day.” Long-distance couples need in-person connection, too: “If you are a couple where travel is involved, you must FaceTime or talk at least once a day,” says Kelaher.

…or For the Whole Day

Wale Okerayi, LMHC, LPC, recommends going off the grid even longer to truly reconnect. “Have an unplugged weekend where you plan a staycation either at home or at a hotel,” she says. “Prioritize cooking together, incorporating meaningful question cards, and just focus on truly connecting.”

Hug With Intention

Kelaher suggests an Imago Relational Therapy technique: a daily, one-minute hug. “A favorite of the Imago method is asking the couple to take part in a 60-second embrace once a day,” she says. “I cannot tell you how many couples purport that they do not have time to do this. Initially, this feels cheesy, yet I promise you will want more once you start.”

Look Ahead

The early parts of your relationship might have been filled with couple goals: Take your first vacation together, get a pet, buy a house. Once you’ve reached them, though, it’s easy to feel stuck. “Reflect on goals you have achieved together and set some new goals,” says Okerayi; this could mean taking up a new hobby, training for a marathon, or planning your next big trip. 

Make Time to Play

Kelaher often notices her clients reporting shared activities like trying new restaurants or going out for a drink, but more energetic hobbies lead to a burst of positive, healthy hormones that improve your mood (and your connection with each other). “As humans, we love dopamine and endorphins,” she says. “When couples can engage in something novel that stimulates dopamine and endorphins, such as working out or hiking together, they are more likely to feel connected emotionally and physically.” Your activity doesn’t have to be high-intensity: Try yoga, chess, or meditating if biking, tennis, or running aren’t your style.

Take Time Apart

It’s not just an old-fashioned adage: Absence really does make the heart grow fonder. “Do things together, apart, and with friends,” says Kelaher. “Having a life outside of the relationship and children, if that happens to be your circumstance, is important. Even more important is to become curious about your partner’s world outside of the couple. This can be an opportunity to create a unique dialogue for the couple as well as allow for some mystery.”

Schedule Your Date Nights

Spontaneous date nights may no longer work for your schedule, but scheduling time together creates just as much time for connection—and gives you something to anticipate. “Create either a shared note or physical jar where you both come up with creative date ideas to try with each other,” says Okerayi. “Schedule a date night every week and prioritize consistency by alternating who plans the date each week.”

Say Thank You

Don’t save your words of gratitude for big, unexpected moments: Appreciate the small ones, too. “When couples are busy, they often focus on the stuff in their relationship that needs work and do not always focus on the good stuff,” says Kelaher. “We all know that positive vibes often beget more positive vibes—in fact, quantum physics reminds us that our thoughts and words have energy—so why not make sure you are sending the good stuff to your person. At some point during the day, engage in an appreciation/gratitude dialogue.”

Revisit Your Favorite Tunes

Whether your relationship started with mixtapes, CDs, or a custom playlist, revisit the songs that set the mood for the beginning of your time together. “I will sometimes ask couples to compile a ‘soundtrack’ of their love story and share it with one another,” says Kelaher (think: your favorite dance tracks, your wedding song, your first concert together). “If it resonated, I would suggest that they have an at-home dance party.”

Get Physical

Improve your emotional connection with physical affection outside the bedroom. “Prioritize intimacy outside of sex by engaging in other physical touch, such as handholding, hugging, cuddling, and kissing,” says Okerayi. Kelaher agrees: “As a society, we underestimate the value of touch,” she says. “Touch your partner at least once a day; indulge in a passionate kiss before you leave for work.”

Use Your Imagination

Fantasizing about—and with—your partner can also enhance your physical connection. “Arousal starts in the brain,” says Kelaher. “When we fantasize about our partners, we are more easily aroused and therefore can more freely lean into physical connection when the opportunity arises.”

Say Yes

Up your intimacy by saying yes when your partner asks. “Sex is a muscle that you need to support,” says Kelaher. “Sure, we all want either the lustful/passionate sex or the deeper, emotionally connecting sex. But sometimes, especially in long-term relationships, we find ourselves tapping our partners on the shoulder saying, ‘Hey, you wanna…?’ Take that opportunity if you can, even if you aren’t in the mood. Couples that forgo this bid and solely wait for those hot and sexy moments are those that come into couples therapy complaining.”

Speak Your Partner’s Love Language

Understand how your partner feels and expresses love—with physical touch, words of affirmation, gifts, quality time, or acts of service—and how their love language works alongside yours. “Get to know your partner’s love language and operationalize it,” says Kelaher. “Many times, we love our partners the way we want to be loved, which can cause tension.”

Keep Up a Dialogue

Do the work of staying connected to each other by setting aside time to talk about your goals, challenges, wants, and needs. “Have weekly meetings where you are checking in on what each other needs and how you can support each other for the week,” says Okerayi. If necessary, upgrade these to include a counselor who can help you work through underlying tension and understand each other better. “A couples therapist can help develop communication skills and resolve any conflicts,” she says.

Change Out of Your Sweats

While you don’t have to get dressed up every day to impress a long-term partner, putting a little effort into your wardrobe and appearance can go a long way. “Get out of your work-from-home clothes!” says Kelaher. “We are all survivors of the pandemic which means several things: one, we love work-from-home wear, and two, we don’t always put ourselves together. Ovid, a famous Latin philosopher once posited that there is nothing more enticing to fantasize what was beneath her clothes. Put on nice clothes and remind your partner of what is underneath.”

Be Curious

Another core technique of the Imago method that Kelaher uses is the idea of reflective listening, an active type of communication, which uses phrases like, “Tell me more,” to enhance connection. “When we become curious, we can deepen the emotional connection and feel seen and understood,” she says. But your communication doesn’t have to be entirely serious all the time. Kelaher offers another suggestion, too: “Giggle, giggle, giggle,” she says. “Embrace joy and laughter. These opportunities release so many wonderful hormones that foster connection.”