How to Navigate Wedding Planning If Traditional Etiquette Doesn't Work for Your Family

Many wedding traditions seem built around a family structure that includes one mother and one father per partner—think wedding dress shopping with mom, a reception toast from dad, parent dances to match, and more. But most of today’s couples are working with a much broader definition of family, planning weddings that honor and incorporate a variety of connections: single parents, stepparents, adoptive and biological parents, queer parents, grandparents or aunts or uncles or siblings who play a parental role, and more. 

Making sure everyone on both partners’ sides of the family feels heard, involved, and respected—while still securing the wedding-planning decisions that feel like a fit for your personality, your relationship, and your future together—can require an intentional approach. Break away from old-fashioned frameworks that don’t fit your family and create a personalized, creative, and inclusive event with these expert ideas from event planner Jove Meyer of Jove Meyer Events; event planner and etiquette expert Julian Leaver of Julian Leaver Events and The Dapper Diplomat; and Tiffany Spilove, LMFT, of Spilove Psychotherapy.

Embrace an Expanded Idea of Family

Whether you grew up with a family that didn’t fit the traditional mold or are dealing with the more recent loss of a parent—or if your experience falls somewhere in between—it’s important to make space for both the visions you held about your wedding as a child and the ways it will look now. 

“We all have ideas and expectations in our heads about the roles our parents will play in our wedding, but for many, these are not possible,” says Meyer. “Some are physically unable, some are mentally unable, some are no longer with us, and some just cannot be with us. Remember that not having your parents at your wedding or involved in your wedding planning doesn’t mean they don't love you—it means they cannot love you in that way, and you should focus on those who can. Focus on the love that is ahead, not the pain of what could have been.”

Be Ready to Redefine Old-Fashioned Etiquette 

A lot of traditional wedding etiquette is based on dated ideas and archaic gender roles. As long as you ask friends and family to participate in ways that feel natural to them—and define their role from a place of love and kindness—you’re following modern social guidelines. “I always say, the number one rule of etiquette is to make everyone feel comfortable,” says Leaver. “Then that allows you to operate within whatever structure you’re working with in your family dynamic.”

While the basic protocol of wedding ceremonies and receptions tends to follow a similar script, the specifics—from choosing your own ceremony readings to opting for an uptempo first dance—can almost always be tweaked to accommodate you, your partner, and your families. (Almost, qualifies Leaver, since religious ceremonies have some procedures and rules that can’t be altered by even the most creative planner.) As long as you and your loved ones are comfortable with the plans you’ve made, don’t worry about old-fashioned etiquette dos and don’ts.

Hold Your Boundaries

If your wedding planning challenges stem from difficult relationships that you have with your relatives—or that they have with each other—Spilove recommends picturing your personal boundaries as hula hoops. “As the people getting married, you can think about what you value, your beliefs, and your sense of self, and visualize those important pieces as living inside your individual hula hoops,” she says. “As a couple, part of your hula hoops overlap to form the relational space between you. You get to set the stage in this way for what is and is not going to be part of your individual and collective hula hoops; this informs how you can work with the wedding attendees and the emotions that might come up surrounding the wedding.”   

How to Navigate Common Wedding Traditions With Your Modern Family

Just as you have the freedom to choose your venue, color palette, cake flavor, and every detail of your day, you can alter any traditional parental role to suit your family dynamic. “There is no right or typical family unit—as long as there is love and support, it’s family, and that looks different for everyone,” says Meyer. “When it comes to planning your wedding, there are typical roles that families have played, but that does not mean you have to lean into them or follow them, especially if they do not fit with your family structure and or dynamic. At the end of the day your wedding is about the love in the room—as long as you have that layered in, you're good to go!”

The Budget

Wedding finances are a tricky topic for most couples and their parents, since it’s common for nearly everyone involved to have a different idea about how much to spend (and exactly how to spend it). The longstanding tradition of the bride’s family covering all the costs is shifting: As couples tie the knot later, they often cover a large portion of the spending themselves, says Leaver. There are no hard rules for how much any parental figure should contribute. A married couple doesn’t need to double the contribution of a single parent—and a step-parent, godparent, or grandparent might want to chip in to the budget as a whole or for a specific cost (like covering the flowers or the photography budget). “The honest answer here is just an open and frank conversation,” says Leaver. “But it should 100 percent be done in person, because then you can read a person’s body language, see how they react to the conversation. It’s definitely not a text message conversation, and it is for sure not an email one.”

Wedding Dress Shopping

Bridal gown shopping has traditionally been a task left to the bride and her mother—with a few other female family members or friends along for extra support—but not everyone’s boutique appointment guest list looks the same (and, of course, not everyone identifies as a bride or wears a dress!). If your mom has passed away or if you don’t have a relationship; if you’re trying to keep the peace between your mother and your stepmother, grandmother, or other relatives; or if you live in a different country and are relying on local friends to step in, invite only the people who will make the experience special, not stressful. And yes: That means it’s fine to bring your dad, brothers, uncles, or male friends. “If you do not have a parent that can go, for whatever reason, find a friend or other family member who will be excited to be with you for that special moment!” says Meyer. “Who is your fashion friend, whose opinion do you trust most? Invite the person—or people—that you feel will be most helpful and supportive in that moment.”

Surrounding yourself with positivity is key. “You get to decide who gets to come with you on your dress shopping endeavors,” says Spilove. “If you have a sister who is supportive and a parent who is not, perhaps this is the time to make the dress shopping an exclusive activity and send photos of the final decision to the members who might not be the most emotionally supportive to you for this piece.”

The Ceremony Processional

While the task of escorting the bride to the altar traditionally fell to her father, this part of the ceremony has also evolved. Some brides—or grooms—ask both their parents to participate, some enlist the help of a sibling or grandparent, some walk alone, and some partners walk together; couples can personalize this element of their ceremony to fit their family. “Walking down the aisle can happen in a myriad of ways, and I think it's important to speak with your fiance to decide the best way for you both,” says Meyer. “If you want to walk down separately, who do each of you want to walk with? It can be one person or two, it can be shared with one person part of the way and another the rest. There are no rules about how you walk down the aisle, or with who, so take time to think about who you want to walk with—and why. Lean into those feelings and away from expectations.”

The Reception Toast

You may be used to seeing the father of the bride give a toast at the reception, but that’s because this task was often reserved for the person who paid for the party, says Meyer. Now, this job can go to anyone in your family, in your wedding party, or in your group of close friends. “When you think of who you want to give a speech, think of why you want them to speak—not out of obligation, but from your heart. They will be so honored,” says Meyer. “If the speech givers are not blood-related family, that is okay; family is anyone who loves you!” 

Parent Dances

While parent dances aren’t required, they can provide one of the biggest emotional challenges for brides and grooms grieving the loss of a parent (or of a parental relationship). “It can be hard to let go of the idea of a dance with your mom or dad, but if they are not there, or not able, you have to let that go and lean into the love that is available and willing,” says Meyer. Ask a grandparent, sibling, cousin, or family friend to stand in. “Parent dances do not have to be with parents to be meaningful—they should be with someone who has shaped your life for the better, who has positively impacted you, that you want to share a moment with for all of the moments they have given you,” says Meyer. 

Leaver agrees: “Again, this is a place where etiquette can expand,” he says. At a wedding for one of his couples, the mother of one of the grooms refused to attend, leaving him without a partner for a parent dance—so the other groom’s mother danced with both her son and her new son-in-law. “Whoever you love is who you should dance with,” he says. 

Get Creative 

Designing a wedding that includes the people that are special to you is one of the best parts of planning. “Many families aren't the same cookie cutters that they used to be,” says Spilove. “This is your day with your partner, and so the hard thing is that you might be feeling some grief and loss—and the cool thing is that you get to create it in the ways that bring you joy.” Think outside traditional roles, she says, asking parental figures to help in a variety of ways: greeting guests, choosing food or decorations, making a photo collage, writing up their best marriage advice. Meyer sums it up this way: “Love is above the law,” he says. “Family is made of the people who show up for you, regardless of their legal relation to you.”