4 Drama-Free Ways Parents Can Make Wedding Guest List Requests

Congratulations! Your child is officially engaged. It’s an exciting time for everyone involved—from the engaged couple to their friends and family—and this is a moment you’ll remember fondly for the rest of your life. Despite how joyous this time is, wedding planning still isn’t without its woes. Chances are you, as the parent, would like some say in who attends the wedding, but things can get tricky once it’s time to put together a guest list—especially if your child has big plans for the list that don’t include your wishes. Luckily, there are ways to navigate this sensitive subject without getting upset, or worse, upsetting your child. 

According to etiquette expert Elaine Swann, in order to circumvent any issues surrounding wedding attendance, parents should have the “guest list conversation” with their child as soon as possible. “My recommendation is for the parents to broach the subject early on. It doesn't matter whether the parents are paying for the wedding or they're not paying for the wedding,” she explains. “It's a celebration, bringing together two families. An important part of the family is the parents, so it's accessible for the parents to bring up the subject.” To put it simply, by initiating the conversation right away, you can land on a solution everyone feels comfortable with and reduce any guest list stressors later on. But that’s not the only tip the expert recommends, as there’s a slew of ways parents can work with their child to effectively plan out this wedding day detail. 

Need more advice? Ahead, here are the best ways to make your wishes for the guest list known. Plus, we provide tips and advice on what to avoid when having this important conversation. 

How to Make Your Wishes for the Wedding Guest List Known

The guest list conversation can be one of the most stressful parts of wedding planning, no matter how involved you are. Is there room for everyone? Does your college roommate get a spot over your child’s coworker? Though finding answers to your questions can seem intimidating, if you approach the situation carefully, and follow the below tips, you shouldn't run into any unfavorable situations.

Get on the same page about budget.

Always be mindful of the wedding budget when discussing your desires for the guest list. Ask yourself: Can whoever is paying for the wedding feasibly pay for each guest and their food and drinks? “Becoming educated about costs and options based on the couple’s vision is always the best way to establish a budget,” says wedding planner Chris Weinberg.“This involves conversations with whoever is paying for the wedding.” Once a budget has been nailed down, figure out how many guests everyone is comfortable with, money-wise, and go from there. 

Are you footing the wedding bill (or a large portion of it)? Remember that just because you're paying for the wedding doesn’t mean you can invite anyone you want. This is your child’s big day, so they ultimately have the final say over who gets on the guest list. It’s all about compromise, not control. If you aren’t paying for the wedding, though, offer to chip in so the people you care about can attend the celebration.

Have an open and straightforward conversation, respectfully.

Guest list conversations oftentimes seem intimidating, but they can easily be managed if you approach the situation directly and respectfully. “Specifically say to the [couple], ‘I know that you have your own guest list, but I'd like to know how many people your dad and I are able to invite,’” Swann advises. By asking your child to let you know a rough number, you’ll be able to manage your own expectations. Trust us, this won’t be an awkward or uncomfortable discussion if approached the right way. 

Make a list of your desired attendees, then share it with the couple.

According to Weinberg, there are generally three lists that are merged when creating a final guest list: "the couple’s list, the parents of the bride’s list, and the parents of the groom’s list," she explains. “If the guest count is 150 and the couple has 90 friends on their list, then it could mean that each set of parents is limited to 30 family and friends.” All this to say, you should have a written list of who you'd like to invite, and then present that list to your child as early as possible. It may also be a good idea to create an “A” list of your must-have attendees, and a “B” list of those you’d like to invite but will skip if there isn’t enough space for everyone.

Don't get hung up on a specific number of guests.

There’s no best practice or rule of thumb around how many people the parents of the couple can invite, so don’t get stuck on thinking you can invite a certain number of guests no matter what. “Every wedding is different,” says Swann. “It has to do with the circle of friends.” For instance, if the couple has a small circle of friends, but you have a larger network—a group that has been involved in your child's life since birth—then you might be able to invite a significant number of people. “I've seen that before,” says Swann. “It was just really small for [the couple], but I tell you that the village that supported the couple was just phenomenal.” On the other hand, if the couple has a huge circle, the amount of individuals you can invite will likely be limited.

What to Avoid When Discussing the Guest List With Your Child

Emotions can run high during wedding planning, but try your best not to let your feelings about the guest list cloud your judgment. At the end of the day, it’s your child’s wedding, not yours, and you should prioritize their wishes if at all possible.

Don't demand that you're allowed to invite a certain guest.

Instead, have a productive, calm conversation about your wishes. Make a case for why this person is important to you and why you’d like to have them be part of the big day. The couple likely wants to honor your wishes when possible, so be flexible, not harsh and demanding. If your coworker doesn’t make the final cut, it’s not the end of the world. 

Let go of old traditions and how things "should" be.

Your wedding may have prioritized different traditions and guests, but this is your child’s wedding, and things may have changed. “[Parents] may not recognize that tradition is not necessarily the norm in 2024, and how it was ‘always done’ does not always matter or apply, especially to the younger generation,” says Weinberg. Wedding guest lists have also become smaller and more intimate than in prior decades; Weinberg notes that “the trend since coming out of the pandemic has been to reduce the invite list to those family and friends who mean the most to the couple and their parents.” If this is the reason for a condensed guest list, do your best to understand your child’s desires and accept them.

Resist the urge to add people at the last minute.

Life happens, and you may forget to add a name to your initial list, but you should avoid making any last-minute requests, if possible. Of course, there may be some wiggle room as the date approaches and RSVPs roll in, but save yourself and your child some stress by operating under the notion your initial request is final upon your child receiving it.